Eating Disorder Recovery: Lessons I Wish Someone Had Told Me

I keep talking about how recovery isn't just about reaching a healthy weight, so I guess it is time to share some of the additional stuff I had to work on while I was recovering.

Some of the things I will mention here were actually already in front of me early in my recovery, but they either went over my head or I wasn’t prepared to accept that there was more work to do and more things to unpack. I tried to skip the painful and uncomfortable parts of recovery, cut corners, and attempted to recover while still keeping some of the ED rules. Maybe not in their original form, but as a slightly tweaked, more flexible version.

It took me some time to realize that the things I initially tried in my ED recovery were not going to work. And then, being the perfectionist I was, I got down on myself for “wasting” all that time. But in retrospect, that is realistically how recovery should look. Trying something in recovery that doesn’t work for you is not the end of the world; it is part of the process. A lot of recovery is about making mistakes and using those mistakes to figure out what actually works for you.

So here is a list of the stuff I had to work on in recovery. I’ll break this up into chapters, but it will probably still be all over the place.

1. You Have to Believe Full Recovery Is Possible

This may sound like a cliché, but you must believe full recovery from an eating disorder is possible. You don’t have to believe me or anyone else telling you they are fully recovered. We could be lying to you or to ourselves. But to some extent, your beliefs will create your reality. If you believe you will never recover fully, you likely never will. You can make a half-hearted attempt at it, but you probably won’t try for real because what’s the point of trying something you don’t believe will ever happen to you?

Don’t get me wrong, you won’t recover fully just by believing it can happen to you, and not everyone recovers even if they believe they can. But if you don’t believe you can, you likely won’t. Whether you believe full recovery is possible or not becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not believing in full recovery was a massive roadblock for me. I spent a lot of time stuck in quasi-recovery because I was convinced that everyone claiming they were fully recovered was lying, delusional, trying to sell something, or some combination of those.

To change this belief, I had to figure out why I believed full recovery was impossible. And, surprise: it was because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I had deeply unhealthy core beliefs about myself, my worth, and what kind of life I deserved.

2. Becoming Aware of My Core Beliefs and My Inner Critic

I needed some self-reflection to become aware of how my core beliefs shaped the way I thought and felt about myself—and, consequently, how I talked to myself. It’s not uncommon for someone in recovery to realize that once the eating disorder voice is gone, a critical inner voice is still there. And that critic can make your life miserable in ways completely unrelated to food.

I realized that I had to work on was learning how to talk to myself in a kinder, more compassionate way. This doesn’t happen overnight. You won’t be able to control your first automatic negative thought, but you can learn to counter it.

You’re not responsible for your first thought in response to a situation, but you can influence the second one and the ones that follow. You don’t have to go down the road of constantly criticizing and putting yourself down. It’s possible to break that chain of negativity, and it’s worth doing. Learning to be kinder to yourself can improve your quality of life in a surprising way.

3. Reframing Personality Traits: Assets Instead of Liabilities

Silencing my inner critic and learning to speak to myself from a kinder place helped me re-evaluate some of my personality traits and how I was using them. Personality traits can be an asset or a liability. Research shows that some people may be genetically predisposed to eating disorders, and certain traits can make you more vulnerable—not destined, just more prone.

I needed to identify which one of my personality traits are liabilities in recovery and learn to channel them more healthily.

Being a perfectionist with a rigid mindset was a huge issue for me. When I decided to “eat healthy,” I didn’t aim for a balanced, sustainable diet—I created rigid, non-negotiable rules. Zero tolerance for anything I deemed unhealthy. Exercise had to be absolutely rigorous and punishing. And in recovery, I had fixed ideas about how recovery should look and how long it should take. No room for mistakes. If they happened, it felt like everything was erased.

I had to learn—and accept—that good enough is usually good enough. Letting go of perfection allowed me to actually enjoy the process, be present, and participate in my own life. It also changed my relationships. Perfectionists often look unapproachable, like they think they’re better than others, and that can make people feel judged. When you let go of impossibly high standards, people feel safer around you, and you get to have real, honest connections.

4. Realizing How Much I Hated Myself

The biggest piece of my ED puzzle was realizing that I hated myself. Deeply. For someone who doesn’t hate themselves, this may sound strange, but to me, it was strange and alien to imagine that you don’t have to hate yourself and that you’re allowed to show yourself compassion.

Many people with eating disorders can probably relate.

I had internalized homophobia from the environment I grew up in. I hated myself for being gay. Then I hated myself for not being able to come out because I was afraid of what people would think. That made me feel weak and like I was betraying myself.

I hated myself for living in the shadow of who I could be—who others thought I should be. Since I didn’t trust myself, I let others define me, even though I resented that too.

I hated myself because I thought I was somehow to blame for all the abuse I went through.

The moment things shifted was when I made my first video about my eating disorder. Watching myself talk about what I went through let me empathize with myself from the outside for the first time. It helped me reframe how I saw myself—not as a failure who deserved abuse, but as someone who didn’t have the tools to deal with trauma.

A Few Final Thoughts

This process of digging deeper can feel overwhelming, so let me recommend a book that really helped me: 8 Keys…. It’s a self-help book, but not your run-of-the-mill kind. It includes actionable advice and assignments you can actually use in recovery. The authors point out that it’s not a substitute for therapy, and depending on your circumstances, you may need support from a mental health professional if you have access. And I know many people don’t. But I hope you can at least reach out to someone who can support you.

Support is important because when you start working on the heavier stuff, you’ll probably feel worse before you feel better. This can be alarming or disappointing, but it can also be a sign of healing. You feel worse because you’re finally addressing things you’ve been trying to outrun. You’re feeling emotions you may have been numbing for years or decades. Recovery often feels worse before it gets better.