It is all men until it is no man
- lovassandoruk
- Aug 19
- 4 min read
This piece is for all men, since women already get it.
So let's stop for a moment before we try to inject ourselves into a conversation that might not be about you as a person, but rather about us, men, as a group. And the oppressive system women are forced to navigate every single day.
Women know not every man is abusive—but too many of us are. According to the EU-GBV survey, in Hungary, 28% of women who have had a partner have experienced physical violence or threats from a partner at some point in their lives, and 52% have experienced psychological abuse.
Even if you, as a man, don’t directly abuse or harm women, you still benefit from the patriarchal system. By simply not being actively harmful - the bar isn’t too high there, is it? - you get to be “a good guy.” A status that comes with moral credit, social trust, and a good rep - all without challenging the structures that make women unsafe. You get to clear that bar and enjoy the benefits without doing anything. Never mind that your silence and inaction in the face of oppression is not neutral - it sustains the system.
There is another significant passive benefit to being a good guy: it allows us to distance ourselves from the responsibility of doing something about sexism while still benefiting from a system that protects and favours us. Being the “good guy” in a patriarchal world is itself a form of privilege.
Women aren’t literally accusing every single man of violence. They are talking about the system that privileges men—and the harm it causes. Women already know not all men are rapists or abusers. Responding with “not all men” is a derailment. It shifts the focus from systemic harm back to men’s feelings. Your feelings. Something that this discussion isn’t about.
What do we expect anyway by saying that we are not like the abusive ones? A lollipop? Applause? A medal? By saying “not all men,” you dodge any responsibility while reinforcing the very system women are trying to criticise.
If your first instinct is to protect yourself from blame rather than acknowledge women’s reality, you are part of the problem. When you interrupt a conversation about misogyny, rape culture, or sexism just to insist you’re “not like those men,” you silence the women who are trying to speak. You shift the focus from women’s reality to your own feelings. And that’s telling — because it shows your comfort matters more to you than women’s safety.
“Not all men” doesn’t hold up — and here’s why.
All men grow up in a patriarchal system, and we all benefit from it. Gender is not just biology or roles — it’s a hierarchy. I am sure you can guess who sits at the very top and who ends up at the very bottom of that hierarchy. Even if patriarchy harms men in some ways, the privileges outweigh the harm. From childhood, we are taught entitlement, often so subtly that we don’t even see it. It`s all pervasive. All men are at least passively complicit in patriarchy. We just don`t see it.
The thing about privilege is that it’s usually invisible from the inside. But here’s a little social experiment if you want firsthand experience of what losing privilege feels like: if you’re a straight white man, your voice already carries disproportionate weight. People are more likely to listen to you, take you seriously, and give you the benefit of the doubt. Chances are, you don’t even notice this — because that’s how privilege works. Now try coming out as a gay man. And watch how quickly some of those privileges disappear.
To be clear, I’m not equating the struggles of gay men with those of women. I’ve never lived as a woman, so I can only empathise with and intellectually grasp their experiences. But in my own life, this is the closest I’ve come to understanding what it feels like to lose privilege — or to live with a different set of them — and to see how women and other marginalised groups navigate these realities.
But back to why “Not all men” doesn’t hold up.
Violations don’t happen in isolation, and they rarely stay “small“. Harassment, abuse or assault snowballs from smaller everyday behaviours: talking over women, expecting praise for basic decency, ignoring boundaries, or laughing at misogynist jokes. Each act reinforces a culture that enables greater harm. That’s why women have to assume every man could be a threat. Whether or not a man is actually harmful, it’s safer to assume he is.
Intent doesn’t erase impact. Even if you don`t mean harm to women consciously, “innocent” comments, sexist jokes, or casual dismissals land on women who already live with constant harassment and violence. To women, accidental harm can feel like deliberate harm. Good intentions aren’t a free pass from accountability.
A moment of truth: most men avoid the real work. Being a “good man” isn’t about claiming that you’re different - it’s about stepping in when your friends disrespect or harass, refusing to excuse sexist jokes, questioning your own entitlement, and amplifying women’s voices instead of your own. If your energy goes into defending yourself with “not all men,” you’re dodging responsibility. If you were truly one of the good ones, you wouldn’t need to say it. You’d be showing it every day.
“Not all men” may be factually and statistically true, but it is unhelpful, defensive, and derailing. It doesn’t end sexism or stop harm. It silences women and recenters men. As long as men excuse, enable, or ignore violence, it is all men.
I’m still learning about these issues and want to acknowledge the people whose work I find helpful to educate myself. See them below.
Sources
“The Problem with ‘Not All Men’” – Medium
“Not All Men: Patriarchy & Misogyny” – The Gazelle
“Yes, Actually, It Is All Men” – Everyday Feminism
Gender-Based Violence Statistics – Hungary – European Institute for Gender Equality (EIGE)
Comments